It's Always My Fault


Dah lama tak singgah blog and dah lama jugak tak update.

A lot of things have been on my mind these days. I just have to let it out somewhere. So I choose here. Don't worry, I've already let it out to Allah, saja letak kat sini before nak focus betul-betul untuk finals besok.

It started when I was 5 or 6 years old. Something happened then and I made a mistake of telling someone what I wasn't supposed to tell. But I didn't know it at that time. All good I guess, I mean, we wouldn't survived if I didn't tell that 'someone'. That's that.

Now, I made another mistake of not obeying mom's orders. It was simple actually. I got mad at my mom and other people for not telling me sooner. Like seriously, aku dah sampai Putrajaya baru nak cakap? (Bengang jugak la time ni). Being the stubborn me, I didn't do what mom told me to do. A lot of problems came after that. I feel pity for the people that were fighting because of my careless and stupid mistake. My stubbornness has something to do with that too.

I was talking to someone closed to me and she said it's not entirely my fault. I couldn't feel better even though she said those words. I felt worse. If they think back (which I hope they don't), it's actually wholly my fault. People told me to stop blaming myself when something goes wrong or something doesn't go the way I wanted, but I can't help it when it IS my fault that all of this are happening right now. I mean, memang la perangai sorg tu mcm ______, but they wouldn't act that way if I just did what I was supposed to ya know.

I don't know how long everything bad is going to happen because of me. I hope it stops soon. I am officially tired thinking how I should actually act and do to make things right again.

Because by then, it would not make any difference.

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