My now best friend?

Do you ever feel lonely in a group of friends?

Do you ever feel like you cant fit in even with your close friends?

Do you ever feel like people hate you?

You can feel the aura of hatred whispering “nobody likes you” and there’s nothing you can do but cry on the inside.

Do you ever feel like no one remembers you?

No one to talk to. No one cares. No one you can really trust.

I don’t want to fall deep inside this darkness again. I hate it.

I don’t want to cry myself to sleep. I don’t want to think about the “what ifs”.

I just want to run away from it all. And I wonder if I can cure myself from this.

Secretly I know. I know what calms me. It’s doing the opposite : shout and cry until I’m weak.
But I can’t really do that. I even thought of buying some medicines, going to a therapist but all that costs me money. And I ain’t paying for a therapist. Besides, it’s not like I can pour my soul and heart out to a stranger aite?

What feeling assured to God does to me...

My life has been a heck of a ride for the past few months but I learned new things and develop feelings for God that I never knew existed. What I mean by that is I was always skeptical of the future and what kind of rezeki I'm going to have. Yeah, I know we can't feel that way but hey, we all have different problems so don't judge. My mom keep telling me to feel assured (read: YAKIN) on the things that Allah will give me in the future, I just have to work hard and keep praying for the best. I pray and doa but the feeling of yakin is not there. I remember thinking and feeling Yakin with what exactly? My worry at that time was internship. I was not confident about the internship placement in the companies that I applied because I felt as though I'm not up to their standards :(

So one day after I prayed Zuhur, I cried so hard until my eyes were sore asking Allah to forgive my sins and just talking to Him about my worries. I remember saying "Ya Allah aku yakin kau akan berikan tempat intern yang terbaik buat diriku." and I didn't just say it, I FELT it as well. I was like, I applied for the companies that I see fit and now it's time to let go. 

That same day after I cried I had to get ready for my class. As I was doing my makeup, I got a call. It was one of the company that I applied for! They wanted to know if I'm free for an interview and of course I said yes. The next day, I got another call from 2 companies in the same day and I actually messed up the pre-interview for one of them so that's that hahaha
In total for that week, I got 3 calls but only passed 2. That means I have 2 face-to-face interviews on the same week. Alhamdulillah, I got accepted in one of the companies and I already signed the contract. The following week after, I got an email from another company which I had to decline. Can you see how many companies approached me while I trust and feel assured in Allah? And I'm not saying 4 companies will approach you too but it just feels like a miracle after I put my trust in Him and just let go. ❤😭 My heart feels whole and I'm just so grateful for the feeling that He gave to me and it just feels so good that it's hard to put it in words.

What I'm trying to say is, we need to work for it and let go. We can't feel any doubt  towards Allah because He knows what's best for us. To my friends (or anyone that's reading this) that are still looking for an internship, or anything that you're seeking for, I pray the best for you. Remember, work hard + doa + trust in Him + let go. Goodluck! :)

⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼

A little rant:
Btw, this short semester is my last sem in UNITEN Muadzam Shah and I feel really excited about leaving this place but at the same time kind of nervous because I'm going to start my internship on 6 May 2019. Yup, you got that right. The first day of Ramadhan is my first day of internship. Hoping it brings me more barakah along the way during my internship I mean haha

I'm mostly nervous about making new friends since I always mingle with the same group of friends here in my uni so to start all over again with the "hi what's your name" is nerve wrecking. My anxiety is seriously kicking in as I type this hahaha but I hope it's going to be just fine. 

A Test from Him

I know that this is just another test from Allah but man, it hurts. 

I know I can get this over with, shutting down everything I need to. 

   it just needs some adjustment.

I need to guard my heart from now on and not bow down to the idea of 'love' nowadays. 

The friends that left me will always have a special place in my heart though some left me like I never existed when I didn't know what I did wrong...I guess I never will but my heart is content with that.

and some left me because they have girlfriends and it's fine. If I were the girl I would be mad when my boyfriend still contact other girls. So I understand 😂 

They say people come and go in our life to give us a lesson. So thank you for all the lessons peeps. 

I guess Allah misses me and I've been too busy chasing people instead of Him. 

 

A Letter to the Heartbroken

Him. 

I didn’t say a name, but he still pops up on your mind didn’t he? 

It’s going to be hard for you to trust again, to love, and to stay.
Maybe you just got out of a breakup, maybe you have for years. It still hurts.

You’re going to be cautious of the words that spills out of people’s mouth.
You’re going to promise yourself not to love again. Or be in a relationship again.
You’re going to get out of the relationship before the other person dumps you.
(Maybe it’s repeating and you’re getting really tired of all this).

Maybe this is your first heartbreak. Maybe it isn’t. People think you’ve gotten used to it, but you can’t. No matter what or who you’re with; it still hurts.

But you’re going to lie to other people; fake smiles and laughs got you through the day.
The only time you let down your happy mask is when you’re alone.
Crying, sobbing while listening to breakup songs. When you know that no one cares.

It’s a lie if he didn’t crossed your mind today or every other day.
You kept yourself busy but by the end of the day, he still creeps in your mind.
They say time heals. I say that’s all bullshit. If you’re not doing anything for yourself, how can time heal anything? Time doesn’t do shit. It’s you that have to bounce back.

Make him regret dumping you.
Don’t blame yourself for what has happened. That’ll only make the parasites creep to your mind; slowing down your healing process.
I hope you stay true to yourself, when no one is.
I hope you stay by your own side, when no one is.

Some people take months, years to heal. I know that no one can completely heal. There’s still some wounds left in us, deep inside. Don’t touch the wound.

Some day, whenever that is, I hope that you can love again. But promise me to never trust someone 100%. No one deserves your 100%. Put some trust to yourself. And most importantly, stay.
If someone deserves your trust and love, then stay.

Unless there’s a reason not to.

-Izyan Najwa.

(all words are made by my own damn self. Please give me credit such as link my blog whenever you want to post this).

Why Does "Love" Hurts?

This post is not about God's love. It's about human love.


Love.

A simple word, yet complicated at the same time to experience it, or for those that are still experiencing it.

If love is nice, why does it hurt?
    In order for us to take something so beautiful yet so delicate, we have to sacrifice something: our        heart.
   
We experienced love as well as heartbreak. It doesn't matter if you're experiencing a breakup or you're fighting with your loved ones. It doesn't necessarily need to be your girlfriend or boyfriend, it can be with your family and friends too. Your heart still breaks and that's what hurts.

You would do anything to make things right again. Some has a fairy tale ending, others are still in the middle of the book desperate to find their own beautiful ending. But honey, not all endings need to be beautiful.
Why? Well, because things happen for a reason. If you don't feel like you're gonna have a happy ending, then you just have to search for it on your own.

As for me, I'm still trying to figure out how to handle love. A bit overwhelming and exciting at the same time but sad as well.

All I know, is that love is like a puzzle, You have to know which piece fits with which.
                                                                                                                              -Izyan Najwa-