It's Always My Fault


Dah lama tak singgah blog and dah lama jugak tak update.

A lot of things have been on my mind these days. I just have to let it out somewhere. So I choose here. Don't worry, I've already let it out to Allah, saja letak kat sini before nak focus betul-betul untuk finals besok.

It started when I was 5 or 6 years old. Something happened then and I made a mistake of telling someone what I wasn't supposed to tell. But I didn't know it at that time. All good I guess, I mean, we wouldn't survived if I didn't tell that 'someone'. That's that.

Now, I made another mistake of not obeying mom's orders. It was simple actually. I got mad at my mom and other people for not telling me sooner. Like seriously, aku dah sampai Putrajaya baru nak cakap? (Bengang jugak la time ni). Being the stubborn me, I didn't do what mom told me to do. A lot of problems came after that. I feel pity for the people that were fighting because of my careless and stupid mistake. My stubbornness has something to do with that too.

I was talking to someone closed to me and she said it's not entirely my fault. I couldn't feel better even though she said those words. I felt worse. If they think back (which I hope they don't), it's actually wholly my fault. People told me to stop blaming myself when something goes wrong or something doesn't go the way I wanted, but I can't help it when it IS my fault that all of this are happening right now. I mean, memang la perangai sorg tu mcm ______, but they wouldn't act that way if I just did what I was supposed to ya know.

I don't know how long everything bad is going to happen because of me. I hope it stops soon. I am officially tired thinking how I should actually act and do to make things right again.

Because by then, it would not make any difference.


Turns 20

Assalamualaikum and hello

So, yesterday marks the day I was born. 25 April. First of all, I would like to thank my family and my friends, and my housemates for the birthday wishes (even though no one reads this blog but meh whatever). And thank you Thiviya sbb belanja I hehe. Thank you again and love you guys (even though one of my best friend tk wish? padahal aku wish awal kot birthday yg sorg ni, dh2 la tu balas dendam hahaha. yes, i'm talking to you, qai.)

I don't feel like it's my birthday tho. Maybe because we're too busy to think about finals this 2nd May. And because 20 doesn't feel like an adult. Feels the same every birthday of mine hahaha

Let's hit down memory lane shall we?

I used to be so annoying, laughing way too much on something that's not even funny to others, always thinking negatively about other people and myself, was too skinny and dark, and all that disgusting awful things.

But now, Alhamdulillah I tried to reduce my laughter, think positively about others, have a lighter skin now, and I am proud to say that I have reached my ideal weight of 46kg! Yay me! (susah aku nak naik berat, aku ada fast metabolism). About the annoying part, I think that it is still a trait in me. Hahaha
This is going to be a letter written from the writer herself.
Here goes nothing:

Dear Writer,
Block your ears even if you can hear them. Throw away the people who hurt you. You are a very special person, indeed. Don't mind the people who said you aren't pretty or beautiful. God has created you perfectly, from head to toe. So please stop complaining. Whoa.

Dearest writer,
You are freakin' jealous of your friends that have more than you? Wishing you were them? Stop it, it's not healthy. Be proud of who you are and don't let anyone guards you down. Allah tells you to be patient. If you obey Him, you'll get the things you want in the hereafter. InsyaAllah.

Writer that has so many problems,
Try to put God first before anyone else. He is your first priority. We have to have fear in our soul, body and mind. Fear to God not fear to human beings. They are nothing compared to Him. 

Writer that has too many insecurities,
Be your motivation as to work harder for the world and the hereafter. I know you cried every night before you go to sleep, and that's fine, but don't let that questions and chants to feel bad about yourself and ashamed for who you are. (Writer: Aku dari dulu lagi malu oii) Whoa. Rahsia ni biarla disimpan seketat-ketatnya. (Writer: BM failed)

Be proud of who you are. Be a very kind daughter to your mom. Jangan jadi anak derhaka okay? Time tu, tiada sapa yang akan ejek hang, sebab hang pandai. Mesti mak hang bangga dengan hang.Oh and another thing, try to think positive and not jump to your stupid conclusions. So you're 20 now. You can start searching for your jodoh lol (Writer: jokes on me). Love yourself, love others. 


Gosh, I feel naked. It may seem nothing to you but to open up like this is a huge deal to me. I've always put up my walls because I was so afraid to get myself hurt. There are a few people that are willing to break it down and I'm very thankful to them for wanting to know more about me and willing stay with me till this day. Even though I'm never the type to say what I feel, but I truly feel loved and I just wanted to say I love you guys. May our friendship lasts till Jannah, Aminn. I'm blessed.

Tiba-tiba je kan emo malam-malam ni haha. Sekali sekala post about my thoughts.



Hi and Assalamualaikum there!

19 May 2016

Started the day with a not so hot shower and packing all of our luggage to check out of our lodge at 10am. But before anything, we had a last photo session with the breathtaking view of Lake Tekapo.

We headed our way down the road by stopping to take pictures because we were heading to Lake Pukaki. It was so beautiful and majestic. Oh and this is where we take pictures on the road because there were hardly any cars there. Tapi time kakak aku tengah ambik gambar, kereta semua berderet dekat belakang. sampai kena horn la hahaha. It was embarassinglly funny at that time. How can I not notice the cars? Oh wait, maybe because I was so caught up on posing and looking my best for the camera lol. But it was worth it. Hoho

Then after a long ass drive, we went trekking at Mount Cook Aoraki. And by "trekking", I mean walking, panting and snapping pictures. There was a thin,small bridge waiting for us at the start and we saw 2 guys jogging up the mountain with their short shorts. I just gaped at them . Seriously? It was 2 degree celsius with snow and it was effing cold. It wasn't just me who stared, other people did too. I think they're insane.

After a 30 minutes of trekking, we headed back to our new hotel because we had to pray Zuhur and Asar as Maghrib is at 5.21pm. So we had to hurry and pray. (But mainly because we're tired). The hotel is like a home with a kitchen for everyone to share. So cozy. I love it there. Reminds me in the USA.

As we had a very tiring and long day, we crashed really early. I for some reason, couldn't sleep that much. It's like, I was tired but my eyes don't want to obey my mind. I forgot when I fell asleep, but eventually I did.



Hi and Assalamualaikum evelibadi :)

So...with a lot of months neglecting my post about NZ, here I am. Starting from day 2.

18 May 2016

Today is a new day. Pretty much excited about this whole trip. (Not that I'm not excited on the first day..) Anyways, we woke up at 4am because our bus is at 5am and we have to catch the plane at 6:45am to go to Christchurch. It was pretty horrible to woke up that early but thank goodness for the hot shower :)

After riding the bus, we arrived at the airport and of course took pictures because who doesn't want to keep their memories right? My sister actually rented a car, a Nissan Sylphy, to be exact, for 10 days. So we waited for the Apex Car Rental to pick us up from the airport. We waited outside for I can't remember how many minutes. Probably half an hour? And yeah, it was freezing outside. Soon, the wait is over. A woman picked us up and we headed to the car rental place. After my sister has finished signing all of the papers and paid the money, the worker there showed us the car and the minor damages that was already there. She rented a GPS too so it would be a lot easier for us so we wouldn't get lost. Duh. Then my sister started driving.

We already planned on what to eat. Kebab for dinner. We also went to Pak n Save to buy groceries to cook. Now, the cooking was done by her. Not me. Heh. And of course being the good photographer I am, I took pictures along the way to the hotel because the scenery was incredibly breathtaking. You can't stop taking pictures, it's like you're addicted or something. Sometimes, we stopped to take pics of us laying down on the road. You wouldn't believe it if I told you that hardly any cars are there. We even laid down on the road! <--- third day actually baring atas jalan. Crazy exciting. Actually, my sister would stop the car anywhere and everywhere beautiful and we posed for the memories.

After the drive, we arrived at our hotel. Our hotel is actually a lodge. It has everything. When my sister was checking in, we met a very big and frozen-fur-cat. Her fur was like Garfield. She was so cute and very friendly. People that know me, know that I am afraid of cats. But she was different. I think it may be due to the fact that she was fat. Hahaha
She was friendly because when I hold out a hand to her (I didn't call her), she went and rub her head on me. The funny thing was, her fur was frozen! Hahaha she was so cute. I wish I have a picture of her. But I don't because our phone was on low battery even though I still had 60% left. Our iPhones was crazy because maybe they couldn't get used to the temperature there. (Maybe dah biasa rasa panas so terkejut dia bila dia duduk kat tempat sejuk lol) and our camera was dead.

So, after oohing and aahing over the cat, we took our luggage to the lodge and immediately went outside to take pictures. Lake Tekapo. The most beautiful, bluest lake I have ever seen. Oh and we also took pics in front of a church. An hour outside taking pics, I guess. Then we went to the lodge, clean ourselves up and went to sleep as we had to check out the next morning at 10am. Our bodies were tired.

Empty field 


Lake Tekapo. The view in front of our lodge

Lake Tekapo


Degree Life

hey there.

hmm, I've just entered degree life for almost two weeks now.
all in all, the classes were okay. I just don't like marb class too much because the lecturer is too upbeat and excited... and to the people that know me, I'm like one of those quiet people in the class and I only speak up when I need to. So, I tend to be in a low battery mode when I'm in that class. I just can't keep up with people's excitement! hahaha

The words I hate the most right now is: "Market yourself." lol

And with the objectives yang mdm tak approve kan lagi, so tak boleh nak start sikit2 about our assignment. 25 pages minimum kauuu. Because time foundy dulu, tak pernah buat 25 pages of assignment so this is something new. Just praying that tomorrow mdm will approve of our objectives so we can start working on our assignment hehe ;) Ya know, I don't want the same mistake to happen again for this sem. (very very low marks for assignment)

So yeah... haven't got much to talk about. Since my life isn't as exciting as other people hahaha jk