9.10.2017

It's Always My Fault

Hi.

Dah lama tak singgah blog and dah lama jugak tak update.

A lot of things have been on my mind these days. I just have to let it out somewhere. So I choose here. Don't worry, I've already let it out to Allah, saja letak kat sini before nak focus betul-betul untuk finals besok.





It started when I was 5 or 6 years old. Something happened then and I made a mistake of telling someone what I wasn't supposed to tell. But I didn't know it at that time. All good I guess, I mean, we wouldn't survived if I didn't tell that 'someone'. That's that.

Now, I made another mistake of not obeying mom's orders. It was simple actually. I got mad at my mom and other people for not telling me sooner. Like seriously, aku dah sampai Putrajaya baru nak cakap? (Bengang jugak la time ni). Being the stubborn me, I didn't do what mom told me to do. A lot of problems came after that. I feel pity for the people that were fighting because of my careless and stupid mistake. My stubbornness has something to do with that too.

I was talking to someone closed to me and she said it's not entirely my fault. I couldn't feel better even though she said those words. I felt worse. If they think back (which I hope they don't), it's actually wholly my fault. People told me to stop blaming myself when something goes wrong or something doesn't go the way I wanted, but I can't help it when it IS my fault that all of this are happening right now. I mean, memang la perangai sorg tu mcm ______, but they wouldn't act that way if I just did what I was supposed to ya know.

I don't know how long everything bad is going to happen because of me. I hope it stops soon. I am officially tired thinking how I should actually act and do to make things right again.

Because by then, it would not make any difference.

4.26.2017

Turns 20

Assalamualaikum and hello

So, yesterday marks the day I was born. 25 April. First of all, I would like to thank my family and my friends, and my housemates for the birthday wishes (even though no one reads this blog but meh whatever). And thank you Thiviya sbb belanja I hehe. Thank you again and love you guys (even though one of my best friend tk wish? padahal aku wish awal kot birthday yg sorg ni, dh2 la tu balas dendam hahaha. yes, i'm talking to you, qai.)

I don't feel like it's my birthday tho. Maybe because we're too busy to think about finals this 2nd May. And because 20 doesn't feel like an adult. Feels the same every birthday of mine hahaha

Let's hit down memory lane shall we?

I used to be so annoying, laughing way too much on something that's not even funny to others, always thinking negatively about other people and myself, was too skinny and dark, and all that disgusting awful things.

But now, Alhamdulillah I tried to reduce my laughter, think positively about others, have a lighter skin now, and I am proud to say that I have reached my ideal weight of 46kg! Yay me! (susah aku nak naik berat, aku ada fast metabolism). About the annoying part, I think that it is still a trait in me. Hahaha
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This is going to be a letter written from the writer herself.
Here goes nothing:


Dear Writer,
Block your ears even if you can hear them. Throw away the people who hurt you. You are a very special person, indeed. Don't mind the people who said you aren't pretty or beautiful. God has created you perfectly, from head to toe. So please stop complaining. Whoa.

Dearest writer,
You are freakin' jealous of your friends that have more than you? Wishing you were them? Stop it, it's not healthy. Be proud of who you are and don't let anyone guards you down. Allah tells you to be patient. If you obey Him, you'll get the things you want in the hereafter. InsyaAllah.

Writer that has so many problems,
Try to put God first before anyone else. He is your first priority. We have to have fear in our soul, body and mind. Fear to God not fear to human beings. They are nothing compared to Him. 

Writer that has too many insecurities,
Be your motivation as to work harder for the world and the hereafter. I know you cried every night before you go to sleep, and that's fine, but don't let that questions and chants to feel bad about yourself and ashamed for who you are. (Writer: Aku dari dulu lagi malu oii) Whoa. Rahsia ni biarla disimpan seketat-ketatnya. (Writer: BM failed)

Lastly,
Be proud of who you are. Be a very kind daughter to your mom. Jangan jadi anak derhaka okay? Time tu, tiada sapa yang akan ejek hang, sebab hang pandai. Mesti mak hang bangga dengan hang.Oh and another thing, try to think positive and not jump to your stupid conclusions. So you're 20 now. You can start searching for your jodoh lol (Writer: jokes on me). Love yourself, love others. 

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Gosh, I feel naked. It may seem nothing to you but to open up like this is a huge deal to me. I've always put up my walls because I was so afraid to get myself hurt. There are a few people that are willing to break it down and I'm very thankful to them for wanting to know more about me and willing stay with me till this day. Even though I'm never the type to say what I feel, but I truly feel loved and I just wanted to say I love you guys. May our friendship lasts till Jannah, Aminn. I'm blessed.

Tiba-tiba je kan emo malam-malam ni haha. Sekali sekala post about my thoughts.




4.25.2017

NEW ZEALAND DAY 3

Hi and Assalamualaikum there!

19 May 2016

Started the day with a not so hot shower and packing all of our luggage to check out of our lodge at 10am. But before anything, we had a last photo session with the breathtaking view of Lake Tekapo.

We headed our way down the road by stopping to take pictures because we were heading to Lake Pukaki. It was so beautiful and majestic. Oh and this is where we take pictures on the road because there were hardly any cars there. Tapi time kakak aku tengah ambik gambar, kereta semua berderet dekat belakang. sampai kena horn la hahaha. It was embarassinglly funny at that time. How can I not notice the cars? Oh wait, maybe because I was so caught up on posing and looking my best for the camera lol. But it was worth it. Hoho

Then after a long ass drive, we went trekking at Mount Cook Aoraki. And by "trekking", I mean walking, panting and snapping pictures. There was a thin,small bridge waiting for us at the start and we saw 2 guys jogging up the mountain with their short shorts. I just gaped at them . Seriously? It was 2 degree celsius with snow and it was effing cold. It wasn't just me who stared, other people did too. I think they're insane.

After a 30 minutes of trekking, we headed back to our new hotel because we had to pray Zuhur and Asar as Maghrib is at 5.21pm. So we had to hurry and pray. (But mainly because we're tired). The hotel is like a home with a kitchen for everyone to share. So cozy. I love it there. Reminds me in the USA.

As we had a very tiring and long day, we crashed really early. I for some reason, couldn't sleep that much. It's like, I was tired but my eyes don't want to obey my mind. I forgot when I fell asleep, but eventually I did.